July 28, 2011

I lay my hand on my mouth

After spending time with some good friends, I got into our car and quickly buckled my seat belt. The kids were laughing in their car seats as Aaron started the car. Noticing I was quiet, Aaron asked, "Something wrong?"

I took a deep breath and replied, "It was hard to see Grant's friend talking and playing so well. I guess it was just another reminder of how far behind Grant really is and it got to me - all over again. It was hard to see Grant so unfocused and yelling like that."

Aaron drove a little while and then said, "I guess I've just gotten used to it. I've accepted it. It doesn't bother me much anymore."

I thought to myself, when will it no longer bother me? Have I not accepted Grant's condition? Wait - do I want to accept Grant's condition?

The past few days have been a little more trying than usual. My life's table has been piled high with miscellaneous cutter:
  • Trying to begin toilet training Grant - who is showing no desire to be toilet trained :)
  • Grieving about missing out on a family reunion I desperately wanted to attend
  • Watching Grant's speech regress a little
  • Preparing for some major changes that are about to take place for our family
  • Trying to iron out some health insurance issues
  • Resolving some problems with Grant's therapy
  • Preparing for Grant's preschool evaluation and for his first IEP (Individualized Education Program/Plan)
  • Researching some alternative therapy and supplements for Grant and presenting it to one of his doctors
  • Falling behind on housework

Through all of this my gazed shifted from looking above to looking down at my surrounding issues. I have been focusing on my problems and not on my Savior. Once again I have been tempted to question God's sovereignty and purpose for our life .

However, no matter how many times I wander, time and time again God leads me back to His fold and I relive the words Job spoke in Job 40:3-5:

Then Job answered the LORD and said, “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You? I lay my hand on my mouth. Once I have spoken, and I will not answer; Even twice, and I will add nothing more.”

I lay my hand on my mouth. I love those words. In times of great personal struggle I often quote that phrase to myself. I am tempted to say things that I regret and trap myself in thick quicksand of self-pity. My self-pity belittles God's strength and all the amazing support we have received from family, friends, and our church. I don't want to be a grumbler or a whiner.

"Shall we indeed accept the good from God and not accept adversity?" ... Another great reminder from Job. (Job 2:10)

I have much to be thankful for! As I begin to count my blessings, I find my chin being lifted upwards and again I find my hope in God's eternal promises.

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? Psalm 121:1

To You I lift up my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! Psalm 123:1

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Isaiah 40:26



  1. Karen,
    I have so many weeks like this so please know you are not alone. As I looked at your to do list, it reminds me of my own. We need to remind ourselves that if we try to do it all, we will only disappoint ourselves in the end. Take baby steps. FX isn't a sprint....it is a marathon. It's important to pace yourself. I have to tell myself that a lot!!! It's almost like since I can't control the FX diagnosis, I feel like I MUST command everything else that impacts my son's life. It is also hard to balance emotions when we see their peers. I don't know if I will ever be "okay" with this for as long as I am alive. I do find comfort though in knowing that everyone has problems they deal with and our problems will just be different that other parents problems. Finally, I find comfort in this as well. "I will refresh you when you are weary and satisfy you when you feel faint." Jeremiah 31:2

  2. I can tell just from reading your blog that you are an amazing mother and that you love your sons so much! It hurts me to see my son not able to be verbal or enjoy things in the same way as other kids, but therapy is helping me to understand him better. I know both my son and yours are going to make great strides. God has plans for them (and for us). ((((BIG HUGS))))

  3. Beautiful, Karen, just beautiful. I am absolutely sure that my mom and dad dealt with some of these same feelings of working towards acceptance when I was born.

    I know also, that someday you will come to a place of acceptance, and learning to trust God's sovereignty everyday. After trusting God's sovereignty for my CP for so long, I don't even question God's sovereignty OR my CP anymore. God knew and knows what he's doing...with Grant and with you. And with me.


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