November 18, 2011

Just me

I had another eye-opening/self-realization/humbling experience this week.

It was kind of like the time I caught a reflection of myself in the polished elevator door while leaving the doctor's office a couple months ago. At first glance, everything appeared to be in place - hair, clothes, makeup... wait... I gasped at something I saw and ran to my car. I yanked the rear-view mirror towards myself and took a closer look at my face.

Again I gasped in horror. Oh dear. I felt my whole face turn hot with embarrassment.

That morning, while I had been hastily getting ready for the appointment, I smeared some extra concealer under my eyes, attempting to hide the effects of sleep deprivation. But, for some reason, I had forgotten the important step of dabbing the concealer into my skin.

So, for 30 plus minutes I talked with my son's neurologist about some very important things while patches of white were plastered under my eyes (think football players with those black patches they put under their eyes to protect them from the sun - only with cream-colored patches... that was me). Lovely. (Though, I'm guessing the doctor and everyone else I came in contact with never noticed the dark circles under my eyes. I suppose you could say "mission accomplished" in that regard.)

Earlier this week some special attention was brought to a blog post I had written and I was elated to say the least. A steady stream of e-mails related to the post began to drop into my in-box. I was giddy as I began to open and read them. Soon my mood became more serious as I digested one heart-felt testimony after another. Each one touched me so intensely that I had to take several emotional breaks.

These sincere people were sharing their personal stories with me. They related with me, encouraged me, applauded me, and others shared their pain with me. I began to feel embarrassed. 

     What if they could see the real me? The me that still struggles with fear and fights feelings of doubt.

The experience was like taking another look in the mirror and seeing, once again, I am full of flaws. I am inadequate. I am not worthy.

Then God hit me with a response that quickly put me in my place.

     No, you aren't worthy... but I am. This is for My glory - remember?

Of course. Seriously, when will I learn that this is not about me?!

Instead it's about my patient and faithful God who uses the many {just me}s in this world for His glory.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  2 Corinthians 4:7


...Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9


1 comment

  1. I just discovered your blog through Everyone and their Mother (thank you Ashley, for sharing your story, you are in my prayers) and I wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences with your little boy. We are struggling to get a diagnosis for little girl 22 months, and while I have heard of Fragile X, I hadn't fully considered it for her until I read your check list. (we are having trouble getting her neuro genet ordered genetic testing covered)I especially thank you for sharing about therapy. In our busy house, (she is our sixth) I find I have let myself slip in working with her, (she is in st, ot, and pt) and your posts have inspired me to put my best foot forward each day. Thank you, thank you.


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