May 1, 2012

Redirecting Sorrow

Like a bear stretching from a long winter slumber, so my family has enjoyed emerging from the past couple weeks filled with illness, colder weather, and unusual schedules.

Oh how good it feels to deeply breathe the fresh air and run and laugh until our sides hurt!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I must admit my mommy feelings are on overdrive right now. I watch my youngest grasp his milk cup with his small, pudgy, toddler fingers. He peers over the top of the cup with his subtle blue eyes and they squint with a smile... and I blink back tears.

A few weeks ago Aaron painted over our striped baby room and transformed it into Wesley's big-boy room. Truth be told, I wept. I expected to be a little sad, but I didn't expect my heart to pulse with grief. I was caught off guard by the intense emotion.

As dear friends announce pregnancies and have more babies, I am left aching to have another child. Alas, Aaron and I decided, because I am a Fragile X carrier and because of the high demands related to raising a child with significant special needs, we will stay a family of four. And I stand by that decision - I think. :)

Perhaps it is just a case of me wanting what I cannot have (I am very fickle like that)...

However, this heartache has opened my eyes to the many women around me who cannot have children - for whatever reason. Quickly I realized how self-focused I have been. I am so very blessed to have two wonderful boys. It is impossible to hold back a smile when I think of all the joy they have brought to my life. What great contentment my heart finds in dwelling on what God has graciously given me!

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving. Psalm 69:30

Therefore, instead of focusing on my wants, I will praise God for what I do have and pray for the women who yearn to have a child of their own to hold and love. 


My precious boys... sweet gifts from God.



  1. Karen,

    You have to make your own decisions about what shape your family will take, and I know this is not a conclusion you and Aaron arrived at lightly.

    I grew emotional as I read this friend, as I imagined your pain and completely appropriate grief.

    Praise be to God that Jesus meets us right where we are! Jesus has been whispering to me lately that "It's okay to ask for proof, my child--proof that I am working. I want nothing more than for you to BELIEVE me."

    It's a new thing for me to have permission to challenge (I guess) God, but you know what? Every time I asked for proof, Jesus provided! I just have to stop long enough to see it.

    May you see the proof your heart needs that God does care for you and your family; he's got a plan.

    (Reminding self)

  2. As always, I love your heart and the way you express your emotions. I'm not sure of the pain of deciding on a family of four, but I do understand the heart to have children. I pray for the Lord's utter peace and guidance as you and Aaron trust in His goodness.

    Thanks for sharing, friend.

    xoxo, Sam


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