Quiet

A calm stillness has fallen over the household. It is beautiful. It is refreshing. Sometimes I catch myself whispering, attempting to withhold any possibility of disturbing the quiet.

Grant began school and he is happy. His mind is happy. His body is happy. He is thriving.

    And I am rejoicing.

The final couple weeks of summer break were very difficult. Grant desperately craved the structure of school and it fed his frustrations and the "out-of-sortness" that comes with Fragile X Syndrome and Sensory Processing Disorder.

I tried my best to fill his time with structured fun and educational activities, but I was worn thin by September. Seeing Grant so happy at school - filling his need for structure, knowledge and social interaction - has given me great peace.

I love that Grant truly desires to learn and be around others. I was talking with his neurologist this past week and he asked me to describe Grant's social interactions. Without hesitation I said, "He craves to be around other but lacks the social skills to properly interact and play. His anxiety can get in the way at first, but his desire to be with others forces him to get past his fears - with our help, of course."

The boys enjoy the early morning sun while paging through some of their favorite books... #findingjoy

Now when we go to the park during the week, on the two days Grant is not in school, it feels like we have had a private invitation. Everything is so quiet and peaceful.

What I did not expect

When I received the phone call that began a lifelong journey down a different path, I knew to expect many difficult things...

     a very unknown future
     countless doctor and therapy appointments
     uphill battles, fighting for services
     saying good-bye to certain dreams
         
But just a year and half later, the dust has settled and I am taking notice of many things I did not expect.

I did not expect to find such rich joy through the pain, to see the world through a new, beautiful perspective.

I did not expect to be humbled and used in this way for God's glory.

I did not expect to be approached by numerous people, who have shared how Grant has touched their lives and made them better people.

I did not expect to see God work through such a young child, in a short time, in a mighty way.

Happy 4th Birthday, my dearest Grant.

I will forever treasure in my heart all the beauty and joy God has revealed and continues to reveal through you.

I am honored to be your mother. 

waiting {when you want to move on}

How do you teach a child a concept you're still learning yourself?

Over the past couple weeks I have told Grant countless times, "Not yet... WAIT!"

He is desperate to get out the house. He is tired of summer, tired of being home, tired of the current routine, and tired of looking at me. He is very ready for school to begin.

I have used PECS (picture exchange communication system) to show the schedule of the day, a special timer to display how many minutes are left in a certain activity, and all sorts of other prompts - but he doesn't seem to get it (or he is simply to the point where he doesn't care).

I am constantly pulling him from the car where he has gone to sit in his seat in anticipation of us going somewhere - anywhere - away from the house. And once again, I try to explain that we cannot leave yet. We must wait a little longer. The time just isn't right.

If only I could explain to my son how much I agree with him. I'm tired of waiting, too.

I'm ready to move on. I want so many things to happen now. I am restless, anxiously looking forward to the next chapter. But it's not time yet.

God is still teaching me many things in this season of life. He is molding me, preparing me for the next season - whatever it may be.

So, I will continue to discover the beauty and joy in the path we are walking... in this season of life. I am determined to savor each moment.

- - - - -

The past couple weeks we have done everything to keep the days moving along: walks, trips to the park, play dates, day trips... You name and we've done it. :)

We love our walks!

Wesley enjoys gathering little "treasures", stuffing them into his pockets for later.

And Grant can locate a stick anywhere. :)

The boys know exactly what Aaron and I are talking about when we announce we are going to visit the big fish tank. Between the fish, people watching, and all the stuffed/mounted animals, walking around Bass Pro Shop is an adventure all by itself.

Grant was so excited he had to lean in and give Wes a kiss right then.

Yes, I am determined to treasure each and every precious moments with my family and rest in God's perfect plan.

How I combat self-pity

The act of comparing is a daily battle I fight hard against.

I am very ashamed to admit it, but I often catch myself looking at other families, observing their blessings and coveting them.

Yes, I know the snapshots of life I observe do not completely reflect reality, but when I see a family that does not have to worry about therapies, psychological tests and mounting medical bills, I feel a threatening attack of jealousy.

The attack comes on very swiftly and soon I am battling a tidal wave of emotions:

     Fear. Sadness. Anger. Bitterness.

And all those emotions, if left unchecked, meld into one very dangerous state of being... self-pity.

At first I used to allow myself to wallow in the dreadful party-for-one, but that only accomplished being miserable - or, even worse, would lead me down a dark road to depression.

So now when I feel the icy fingers of jealousy begin to tighten their grip on me, I immediately put on the armor (Eph. 6:10-18) and wage battle.

I battle with my pen. Writing as fast as my fingers will allow, I name each blessing - big or small - that comes to mind.

{Our home, beds to sleep in, clean water, food, supportive friends & family, the body of Christ, my husband, my two beautiful boys, coffee :), two cars that are running smoothly...}

I am usually fighting back tears as I near the end of the page; tears of gratitude and of shame. How can I be so short-sighted? I have so many reasons to be thankful!

While there are many who are struggling to feed their family, drink clean water and obtain basic medicines, I am complaining about the flooring in our house and not being able to have certain comforts. Yes, my family has some real needs - important needs - but I am grateful that we never go hungry, have a wonderful home and have the loving support of countless people.

I have learned that filling my heart with gratitude pushes out negative emotions that lead to self-pity.

     It is really quite simple - but it works.

Instead of sinking in despair, my heart dances with joy and thankfulness and dwells in peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Philippians 4:6-8 

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"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in Him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Philippians 4:4-8 (The Message)